What kind of need?

Personal Column ab birds, needing and writing

And then, here I sit.

On a black, soft lounge chair. Backrest down a little, feet up. Next to me, a cup of coffee (decaf), a piece of chocolate (Côte d’Or) and a big bottle of water (tap). My mount tends to get so dry from my ADHD medication, which sucks, but at least it solves my problem of never drinking enough.

‘

Around me, I can hear the songs of the chaffinch, the robin, the blackcap. And before you get impressed with my knowledge in bird songs - let me burst your bubble. The app is called Merlin Bird ID, and yes, it is amazing. At this time, I don’t have my binoculars next to me, to eye deep into the forest before me. To try and spot movement, or follow the sounds, or aim just based on luck. All to find - and even more excitedly, determine - one of the colorful birds of the Ardeche, France.

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No, before me, hiding away a piece of forest, is my laptop. Because, well.. I need to write.

‘Need’ can mean a lot of things. Especially in these cases.

Do I need - emotionally? Is it a burst of unstoppable motivation? A desire so strong, so eminent, I can’t help but write?

Do I need - based on expectations of others? Is it expected of me? Is someone waiting to read what I write, is it going to be checked? Marked? Evaluated?

What is the kind of ‘need’ there is today? What is the reason I am again focused on my screen, even while a blackbird is hopping along the grass, worm in beak, goal in sight?

Is it the need - based on my own expectations? The need coming from inside, but not from desire to write itself, but the desire to have written? The lines I’ve drawn for myself, to determine whether I’m doing good or bad. Is it the need to end up on the right side of this non-existent line?

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It is not a question I can’t answer. Because I know why I am here, behind my laptop. It is because I need - to not give up on myself.

It is because I need to reach my goal (somewhat) of writing every week. It is because without that, I have failed (again) and I know I would have failed, and I proved myself right that all I do is fail my goals.

It’s the need that has nothing to do with writing, nothing to do with others, not even just to do with doing what I said, to succeed.

It’s the need to not fail.

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I needed to write so bad, that it didn’t even matter what I would write about. It wasn’t planned to write about needing. But apparently it was needed.

I write on substack to find my voice. But every piece I write, I ask myself; what can people take away? What can they relate to? What topic is Substack worthy?

It’s never about the words that just so happen to be in my fingers, it’s always about the words the audience might or might not want to read in the end. And all that without a proper audience.

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So today - I wrote the words that came out instead. I don’t know if this is my voice. I don’t know if this is my kind of topic.

But if I don’t write this - I will never know.